Recap: On a journey
of changing my thought processPart 1 from operating in absolute terms to feeling
positively challenged by a world of possibilities. I kept moving.Part 2
P.R.Os and C.O.Ns
I realised that a better approach was to adapt to my surroundings. It was far more prudent and conserved precious energy. As a child, whenever I was in any troubling situation – I questioned. As I write, there is a lump in my throat. I remember my father.
Baba[1] and I had disagreements about these circumstances. I asked, "Why would someone be unfair or unkind?”, to which he would respond, “What can you do? Can you change anyone? Let them be. It brings peace.”.
I almost
always thought he was being evasive and he refused to get into any conflicts. To
my disappointment, my husband also has a similar response mechanism. I concluded that the men in
my life were passive. One believed in reconciliation, while the other chose to disconnect.
I invested in reading and researching various approaches. I studied the Bible, read books, journals, blogs, and watched Youtube content. My interest in academics found me enrolled on a programme in Divinity. I got intrigued by the similarities I found in the Bible through my course and my self-studies.
I interacted with my professors, psychologists, and mentors. Close friends and family also helped me with their experiences. I left no stone unturned.
In this section, I list my learning’s from the merits and demerits of both.
P.R.Os
1. Payoff: If the outcome of a circumstance is a known
fact– and it will not change, is it wiser to analyse and stay detached?
This reminds me of a story in Aesop's Fables[2]. It speaks of a farmer who brings a snake that had frozen in the cold back to his home. He makes it warm and cares for it, only to have it bite him when it regains its strength. While dying from the snake's poisonous bite, the confused farmer asks the snake why he bit him despite treating the snake with such kindness. The snake reminds her that he is a snake and that is what snakes do. This ums up why we must always analyse our actions and our expectations.
2. Relationship: Do I place a higher value in winning an argument, or does my relationship with
the person make it worth considering objective collaboration?
Though
compromise can be a solution, the key is to move beyond. In a compromise, both
parties reach an agreed mid-point by giving up something. It may involve a deviation from the original plan or wishes. This may not be sustainable. At
best it is more acceptable than win/lose, but it is definitely not a win/win.
I found collaboration[3], through effective communication to be a healthier alternative.
3. Opinion: Am I thinking right[4] and contributing towards improving
the situation?
Sharing our unique experiences offers diverse viewpoints. It establishes alternate perspectives and allows flexibility. Often, the best ideas are those that combine different points of view.
C.O.Ns
1. Control: In a conflict environment, how much do we let go? Are we wise in picking our battles? Should we win the battle but lose the war? In trying to meet an immediate objective do we lose out in the long term.[5]
Or should we surrender? Giving up
control may be acceptable for a higher purpose and reconciliation, but we must
be careful to prevent unhealthy patterns[6]
from getting established.
2. Overestimation: Am I overestimating my knowledge and views?
Confidence
is magical, yet in challenging settings, it pays to reflect and verify.
Often overconfidence bias[7] can cause people to feel superior about themselves, assuming one has greater qualities or more information and will thus do the right thing. So, overconfidence in ourselves can cause us to act without proper reflection and that is when we are most likely to make a mistake.
3. Navigate:
Am I contributing towards improving the situation and facilitating a common
goal? Do I want to deal with challenges together? What is my intention?[8]
Teamwork in our
relationships can be equal to effective business patterns[9]. Business models that are today, great success stories. Diverse perspectives inspire
creativity, drive, and innovation. Such influences can enhance how we see our
relationships.
In conclusion, doing things that impact our lives is often not
easy, but it is worth every effort.
[1] Father in Bengali
