Challenged for Change - Part 3 : 3 min read

Recap: On a journey of changing my thought processPart 1 from operating in absolute terms to feeling positively challenged by a world of possibilities. I kept moving.Part 2 

 P.R.Os and C.O.Ns

I realised that a better approach was to adapt to my surroundings. It was far more prudent and conserved precious energy. As a child, whenever I was in any troubling situation – I questioned. As I write, there is a lump in my throat. I remember my father. 

Baba[1] and I had disagreements about these circumstances. I asked, "Why would someone be unfair or unkind?”, to which he would respond, “What can you do? Can you change anyone? Let them be. It brings peace.”.

I almost always thought he was being evasive and he refused to get into any conflicts. To my disappointment, my husband also has a similar response mechanism. I concluded that the men in my life were passive. One believed in reconciliation, while the other chose to disconnect.

I invested in reading and researching various approaches. I studied the Bible, read books, journals, blogs, and watched Youtube content. My interest in academics found me enrolled on a programme in Divinity. I got intrigued by the similarities I found in the Bible through my course and my self-studies.

I interacted with my professors, psychologists, and mentors. Close friends and family also helped me with their experiences. I left no stone unturned. 

In this section, I list my learning’s from the merits and demerits of both. 

P.R.Os

1.          Payoff: If the outcome of a circumstance is a known fact– and it will not change, is it wiser to analyse and stay detached?

This reminds me of a story in Aesop's Fables[2]. It speaks of a farmer who brings a snake that had frozen in the cold back to his home. He makes it warm and cares for it, only to have it bite him when it regains its strength. While dying from the snake's poisonous bite, the confused farmer asks the snake why he bit him despite treating the snake with such kindness. The snake reminds her that he is a snake and that is what snakes do. This ums up why we must always analyse our actions and our expectations.

2.       Relationship: Do I place a higher value in winning an argument, or does my relationship with the person make it worth considering objective collaboration?

Though compromise can be a solution, the key is to move beyond. In a compromise, both parties reach an agreed mid-point by giving up something. It may involve a deviation from the original plan or wishes. This may not be sustainable. At best it is more acceptable than win/lose, but it is definitely not a win/win.

I found collaboration[3], through effective communication to be a healthier alternative.

3.         Opinion: Am I thinking right[4] and contributing towards improving the situation?

Sharing our unique experiences offers diverse viewpoints. It establishes alternate perspectives and allows flexibility. Often, the best ideas are those that combine different points of view.

C.O.Ns

1.          Control:  In a conflict environment, how much do we let go? Are we wise in picking our battles? Should we win the battle but lose the war? In trying to meet an immediate objective do we lose out in the long term.[5] 

Or should we surrender? Giving up control may be acceptable for a higher purpose and reconciliation, but we must be careful to prevent unhealthy patterns[6] from getting established.

2.         Overestimation: Am I overestimating my knowledge and views?

Confidence is magical, yet in challenging settings, it pays to reflect and verify.

Often overconfidence bias[7] can cause people to feel superior about themselves, assuming one has greater qualities or more information and will thus do the right thing. So, overconfidence in ourselves can cause us to act without proper reflection and that is when we are most likely to make a mistake.

3.         Navigate: Am I contributing towards improving the situation and facilitating a common goal? Do I want to deal with challenges together? What is my intention?[8]

Teamwork in our relationships can be equal to effective business patterns[9]. Business models that are today, great success stories. Diverse perspectives inspire creativity, drive, and innovation. Such influences can enhance how we see our relationships.

In conclusion, doing things that impact our lives is often not easy, but it is worth every effort.

 

Stay tuned as I share in my final episode[10] on how I let go of things beyond my control and invested, in a circle of influences and good habits.

Images sourced from the internet and are subject to copyright. I do not own them.

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[1] Father in Bengali

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aesop%27s_Fables

[3] https://study.com/academy/lesson/effective-collaborative-relationships-characteristics-techniques.html

[4] https://www.tonyrobbins.com/positive-thinking/

[5] https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/lose-win-the-battle-win-lose-the-war

[6] https://www.healthline.com/health/controlling-people#blaming-you

[7] https://dictionary.apa.org/ultimate-attribution-error

[8] https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-motivation/

[9] https://www.hult.edu/blog/benefits-challenges-cultural-diversity-workplace/

[10] https://smitatoppo.blogspot.com/

Spike - The Runaway Pup! Our Paw-fect Pet : 2 min read

 

"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me, they are the role model for being alive."

As a family getting a puppy has a hilarious backdrop. When Sam wanted a sibling, we were hesitant. So, he almost settled for a pup. Much to his happiness, we decided “the sibling would grow up, a puppy would not.”

Our baby boy

Although we all love large breeds, we also have our individual preferences. The only undisputed favourite being our local strays. The limited space of our apartment, coupled with our busy schedules, were perfect conditions to give one of them home.

While we weighed the options several times, we were not quite prepared. So, we spent a year connecting with dog families and not dog owners. After extensive research and discussions, we were ready to bring our little boy home. Determined to house a homeless/rescue baby, we knew adoption was the most loving option.^[1] “You can't buy happiness, but you can rescue it.”

My school junior connected me to her dog’s groomer. He told me that a mother had abandoned her two-month-old pups. Just two had survived, so I could take one. The boy, he said, keeps running away all across the street. Done! He was coming home.

Second day at home.

The excitement was palpable as we prepared the home in different ways. Armed with basic information and still very inexperienced, we welcomed our new family member.

Spike came home on a Friday evening. He arrived in a grocery bag. All that was visible were his floppy ears and tiny face. He looked puzzled, timid, and drowsy, yet a distinct twinkle in his eyes lit up our living room.

May I share your biscuit please

“Dogs are miracles with paws”. With all that transpired at home over the last nine months, we are more than blessed to have him. Sometimes we ponder, did we save him? Or did he rescue us?

Stay with me as I time travel to document his first year with us. I promise it will be fun!

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[1] https://goodnesspetfood.com/dog-breeding-in-india/

Challenged for Change - Part 2 : 3 min read

The Survival P.A.C.K

PERSPECTIVE - APPROACH - CONVICTION - KNOWLEDGE

My thought process needed a tweak from operating in absolute terms. That said, I also understood from where this came. A practising Christian, the middle path meant compromise and, grey was unacceptable. These terms were sacrosanct and ingrained in my psyche. What I failed to comprehend was their application.

Balanced thinking is about seeing facts and staying focused. It is learning to see the shades of grey in life without compromising on areas that call for black or white views. In most cases, understanding shades of grey helps not only to navigate the self but also to accept others.

Grey can be unexciting because thinking in extremes has its thrill. Even if you protest that you don’t want drama as I did. The adrenaline rush it creates can be a fixation without you even knowing it. Thinking in the middle helps in better decision making. In the long term, it is a far more exciting prospect rather than believing “all the world’s a stage.”

I needed help but hesitated. It could prove that I was wrong or weak. Worse still, one might have thought I was unhappy. While neither was true, the paranoia was because of my past. An infliction on the body is visible but mental wounds remain unseen. Thus, untreated. If you break an arm, you will not ignore it or put off treatment. It is important to treat mental and emotional health issues.

As a God-fearing person, it would be natural to turn to Spiritual leaders. I will be honest here; the fear of judgement was very high. This got reiterated when a leader scolded me for being on medication for anxiety.

The next choice would be psychologists and therapists. Being in uncharted territory, I was following a known therapist to get a pulse of such treatments. The experience was disastrous. It was so bad that I started hating every word of psychology.

The third route I tried was extensive reading, self-study, and online resources. I was always keen on higher education. Investing time in reading reignited my desire to study. An unexpected opportunity allowed me to enroll on a distance programme in theology.

At the orientation session, some of the first lessons had nothing to do with the Bible. Neither the Gospel nor God. We learnt cognitive behaviour, lateral thinking, and psychometrics. The classes felt like I was sitting in one of my corporate offsite programmes.

It began; the seed for change had been sown. I felt positively challenged and had a world of possibilities bubbling within.

Images sourced from Google and are subject to copyright. I do not own them.

Challenged For Change : Part 1 : 2 min read

 

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” Winston Churchill

A few years back, I got diagnosed with general anxiety due to PTSD (post-trauma stress disorder). I was not only in the lowest pit of my health but well-being too.

One of the most critical reasons for feeling knocked down was my heart first approach. And, life, in general, was almost always led by emotions.

"That was how I had always been for forty years of my life. I can't be otherwise! That won't be me!"

I had two options. To accept the challenge and change my modus operandi OR retreat into my shell and continue to suffer.

Each time I tried to reason my established behaviour, I failed but held on. I was getting sucked into a whirlpool and falling deep into an abyss. When I decided to try and change, I was CHALLENGED. I accepted.

1. I confronted my "belief system"* to embrace a more balanced thought process.

2. Tweaked my approach from 'I cannot change' to ' I cannot change others'.

3. Let go of things beyond my control.

4. I invested in a circle of influences. Restarted old habits like reading and enrolled for a postgraduate degree. Embraced new-age resources like e-learning.

I am a work in progress. Today I can say with certainty that because the situation challenged me, I changed for good.

Stay tuned as I share my journey in the next segment😊

*- I say belief system as my ways were quite sacrosanct and inviolable to me.

Images sourced from Google and are subject to copyright. I do not own them.