Recap: From anxiety attacks due to traumaPart 1 to brain fog, insomnia and health issuesPart2 that required seven medications a day; it was an arduous journey.Part 3 What helped me to crossover? How have I healed? What did I confront? And the comforts I gave up. In this final episode, I have shared how I continue to cope by investing in a circle of influence, good habits and persistent learning.
TRANSFORMATION: THROUGH DETERMINATION AND DISCIPLINE
Change is
not an event but a constant process and a lifelong opportunity to improve
ourselves and grow. It may appear to be intimidating but not at all impossible.
We cannot simply change once, twice or thrice but change each time the season
arrives.
That said, each move towards a change must
be tangible and actionable which helps us to know what we want. We may think it
takes a single big event to make all the difference. But the truth is, it takes
more than that one radical change. Any significant change requires lots of
minor changes.
A
lifelong learner
Learning
something new is the surest way to change. What is learning something new? It
means that nothing stops me from being a better version of myself. I have started
by reading and learning one new thing every day. It could be as simple as an
article on Google Chrome news on my mobile or a DIY from YouTube videos.
I am discovering myself afresh every
day -recognizing my likes and dislikes, what works and what doesn’t. This has
helped me identify who can or cannot help me achieve my goals and accept those who
won’t. The application of this fresh awareness helps me grow as a person.
Self-improvement is an achievable journey and very doable.
Mind
your mind
It’s incredible to uncover what our mind
has on repeat. Often these thoughts grow out of proportion and distort our
thinking. It tilts our experience of reality, such that we take it to be the
truth. In psychology, these thoughts are frequently called “cognitive
distortions”.[1] We
can work around this by:
Focus on the now - Acknowledge and accept your feelings but don’t
dwell in the past. Learning to move is crucial. I began this journey by
strengthening relationships and practising gratitude. I have invested in a
circle of influence to build a strong network; fabulous mentors and friends
keep me guided. Humming hymns, reading the Bible and praying gives me strength.
Studying and writing blogs exercise my mind. Philanthropy and counselling bring
purpose and satisfaction. Tending house plants and caring for my pet give me
much-needed relaxation. Oh! Not to forget, a few rounds of our driveway gives
me some physical exercise.
Kindness is universal, so be kind. It is the power to overlook someone’s
weakness. “A life not lived for others is not a life,” observed Mother Teresa. Simple acts
of kindness are remembered more than anything you leave behind. And that’s what
matters in the end.
Admitting our
mistakes take courage.
It means giving up our pride and agreeing to be candid and exposed. The power
of an apology can be unleashed with one little sentence, “I’m sorry.” Though
small in stature, it is very profound. So go ahead and apologise, it does wonders to your mind.[2]
Forgive- it is the willingness to let go of the pain from the
past. It is a decision to move ahead with greater potential for inner peace and
freedom. Letting go of a painful past has powerful health benefits that go together
with the practice. So forgive often.[3]
Lastly, for
minding the mind efficiently, thank more and thank habitually. Mean
it from the heart and see the happy faces that light up your soul.
Drop
the extremes [4]
Never force
yourself to restrain your emotions nor express out of impulse. So, instead of
pushing away, let them be around. Stay alert for unwanted thoughts to return
but don’t look for implied meaning always. If you do, you may fixate more on
them. Process the thoughts. Tough call but it pays to recognize your triggers.
In order to
process our experiences, we must accept our feelings. We need not stay in
denial or force ourselves to be positive. That can hurt one’s mental health.
Hiding our feelings behind a garb of false positivity can be dangerous.[5] Take care to keep semblance.
Extreme positive
thinking is also recognized as distorted thinking [6]gone
the other direction. Like negativity, it can be a way to avoid reality and take
responsibility for one’s experiences. So only reciting positive affirmations
rarely solves anything. A balance of action and intention works best.
Understanding which way we are heading can be tricky. Seek help if you need it
and find your best method. But taking help when required is a must.
Force
nothing
One must
never have to force anything; whether relationships, friendship, or even career.
If deep within the feeling isn't natural, it's most often not the right thing.
Say, if you wince every time a person calls, chances are you are clearly not
interested. Or if you are trying to keep an old friendship while your friend
forgets you exist, then it’s time to move on. There's a difference between
working hard for something and forcing it. When we strive towards a goal, we
are eager to achieve it with our entire being.
“To
feel accepted is a nearly universal human desire”.[7] It is a longing to be on someone’s “nice
list”[8] to
develop and nurture our relationships with them. Our worry about what others
think of us comes from the trepidation that we may lose friends or intimacy.
Often tempting us to overshare our lives when the whole loop of judgment and
opinion can rattle our minds. So I decided to
choose who I discuss my daily struggles with. It is private and should reach
ears that listen, not hear.
Life is too
short to waste on what we don’t want. Focus on the essentials. If you have to
force something and say "yes" to appease; if it doesn't come from the
heart then it's not meant for you. So, accept and expect rejection[9]
but don’t catastrophize.[10]
Saying "no" and moving on is difficult but one of the most empowering
feelings.
Manoeuvre
Drivers in
Kolkata can drive anywhere in the world! And despite the unsolicited navigation
I offer to my husband I admit he is an excellent driver. Exceptionally skilled
at manoeuvring potholes, vehicles, stray animals, jaywalkers, and the likes.
I have
learnt an important lesson through these travels. The sudden blocks need
instant action. But you must be mindful of the old ones - they exist. So you
are gentle on a puddle not knowing what lies beneath. You slow down to improve
visibility. Drive around a big depression and sometimes completely change your
route. Ditto in life! A sudden situation or an old foe - both are negotiable.
So work around the obstacles, it is a roadblock, not a dead-end.[11]
Yet, despite
it all, we have met with several accidents. Whoa! There you go! Now what?
The best way
is not by self-pitying or waiting for things to happen. There will always be
some auto to break a light, jaywalkers may topple our bike and the cyclists
cause us to skid. We can argue till the cows come home. But, ultimately, we
will have to fix the damages. That’s it – the mechanic will not walk up to us,
neither will a dispensary appear like magic to treat my grazed knee. Attend to
your wound, heal and move on.
How to overcome, when one size does not
fit all?
Evolve - learn,
grow and develop systems to rise above through cumulative and combined methods.
Much to my delight, I found a book that confirms the above.[12]
That’s what will make the change stick with you for the rest of your life.
These aren’t
the only changes that will work, but they have helped me and might help you too.
Things can get so bad at times that one may feel miserable. But no matter how
wrong it all seems, you can change it. For me, whenever I need strength, I turn
to my faith in God. Prayer encourages me to transform my positives into little
successes of their own. It’s up to me how big or small they seem. I know them
and am confident they will add up.
In the end,
if I want to change, I must make the effort.
“You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can
start where you are and change the ending.” -C.S. Lewis”
That’s a powerful way to change!!
[7] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201610/8-ways-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think
[8] Like Santa Claus’s Nice and Naughty List
[9] https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-private-hell-of-rejection-why-does-it-keep-happening-to-you.htm
[10] https://dictionary.apa.org/catastrophize
[11] Check this site for some valuable insights - https://caps.ku.edu/dealing-with-difficult-people-difficult-situations
1 comment:
Good message
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