A Survivor's Guide for helping someone with Anxiety : 3 min read

When I was grappling with anxiety, family and friends rallied around me. Their contributions remain unmatched and I am grateful. Having said so, I also admit that their concern, advice, and reprimands often overwhelmed me. So why am I contradicting myself?  

Our traumatic experiences alone do not make us feel dismissed. Insinuations of it being our fault heighten the feeling. The slighting of our pain in a world repeating these cycles results in grief and resentment. They are the toughest to release during healing. While grief makes it difficult to forget, anger has negative overtones and is hard to express. Yet, both can move from hurt to harmony when processed with dignity.

If you have a loved one or know someone who needs help, do consider the following before you begin to help:

Recognise the condition

Understand that your loved one has a situation that requires help. Often even medication. But, unlike physical pain, sufferers usually deny they need help. Seek the guidance of a professional.

Unconditional Love

The fear of becoming unlovable is debilitating. Love the most when they seem unlovable. Believe their struggle is real. Reassurance that the situation does not change your opinion of them builds confidence. Value their resolve and grit. Agree that they have the right to feel upset but cannot hurt others in retaliation.

Be an Example

Human tendency is to emulate the views, actions, and mindsets around. So, we must display a lifestyle we hope will get chosen above others. Be an example. Prove that the path you are suggesting is trustworthy.

Resist Criticism

Listen without giving an opinion. Nobody likes directions. And even lesser when someone points out that they are incorrect or inadequate. Restrain the urge to correct every time. Though, you need not pretend to approve of everything, limit voicing disagreement. Always offer to stand-in. A simple I am here, or I am listening if you are ready to talk is miraculous.

Anxiety is not only about the mind. A person may have health issues triggered by the trauma. Ranging from brain fog, palpitations IBS and many others. Resist the temptation to say, “It could be worse”. Be gentle, this isn’t a competition of who had it worse. Avoid counting days and reminding them that they should get over it. Each person's healing process is unique.

Speak

If you are eager to help, speak up. We often stumble by either saying too much or too less. Staying quiet conveys nothing to your loved one. Rehearse before you speak and appreciate that people seldom change their minds immediately. Expect conflict, knowing it isn’t a failed conversation. Allow their space but never abandon them when they are being difficult. Boundaries are best set at a neutral time and ground. Stay sensitive to their ramblings and notice their quiet times. Apologise and forgive – arguments are bound to happen.

Be Patient

Mental trauma is cruel and resultant anxiety can be exhausting. A person feels scared, sad, and lonely and sometimes may not even sense their problem. They may break down and cry while feeling anxious and alright at the same time. The high and low moods can be very tiring for people around them. Don’t react harshly.

Say a Prayer

It works! Fervent prayer for your loved one is the last but not the least you could do. Try it.

Transformation is a delayed and difficult process; healing takes time. And recovery from trauma could need a while; so be generous. No one can evolve overnight. Instead, watch for subtle indications of change. Like new ways of expression or a willingness to approach almost forbidden topics. 

Encourage them, knowing that these little things will make all the difference in the road to recovery. 

Stay with me as I share next week the learning's from my mistakes and how I could help myself.

PS-The thoughts shared above are my personal views from what I experienced. Please read, research and consult a professional before you embark on helping someone. 

Images are sourced from Google and are subject to copyright.

As the World has Opened up - Part 2 : 2 min read

        The world feels more fragrant and beautiful than before!

I may sound prosaic and impractical but amidst the air of familiarity lingers a hint of the unusual. We are amenable, tolerant and more inclusive. This challenging time has been a pleasant surprise for me. And it is because I learnt that the significant changes had to be in me. I cannot be the same person having survived a pandemic. Some of the greatest life lessons are learnt during tough times and when we make mistakes. In this episode, I chose to ponder some more.

Home sweet home

Whatever happens outside, make your home pleasant. Build-in comfort, fun and little joys. I say make because the onus is on every individual to create a joyous sanctuary. When we create an ambience for others, it reflects on us!

The children are watching

Yes, they are! And it was an important lesson through this pandemic. As parents, we were unprepared as the challenges rushed like an avalanche. We didn’t know how to act. But, one thing was sure, the children were watching. Our response to adversity impacts our children. It echoes how they cope when life throws them the curveballs. We are their teachers, so we must learn well.

We depend on one another

The success or failure of humanity depends on everyone, irrespective of social hierarchy. We all must do our part in taking care of one another. The term essential workers gained importance during lock-downs. We must never forget the importance of the delivery staff. The truck drivers, factory workers, house helps and one another. When one part of the system breaks down, we all suffer. So we should work for the greater good of this world. The ordinary workforce is often told they can go. We would believe nobody was indispensable. Not anymore! The pandemic taught us a different lesson.

Never about “something”

Oh, the little white lies we keep telling ourselves! The lack of time, our circumstances, the denied opportunities, and constraints. The list goes on with the lament about the things we could do “if only...”

And I admit that my book is still not finalised, I haven’t lost adequate weight or finished the incomplete projects. I am trying to rectify these with a resolve to stop regretting them. Instead, concentrate on my effort. There’s a saying if it’s important to you, you will find the time. So I quit – from making more excuses.

Adaptability is the secret ingredient.

Planning is good, and goals are great. But adaptability is the key to it all. Some plans may get ruined, and many of our goals will be at least delayed and even more likely never realized. So, how do we cope? If you’re adaptable, you will figure it out. And now we know we can. We figured out a lot of “stuff” in the past two years.

Do it now!

If you want something, make it happen. Don’t wait. You never know what tomorrow brings. Post-retirement, a loghouse holiday, paragliding or further studies might not be possible. If you really want them, the time is now! And the best way is to take that first step.

“Someday is not a day of the week.”- Janet Dailey

Images are sourced from Google and are subject to copyright.

As the World has Opened up - Part 1: 2 min read

When Covid introduced an era of WFH1, we became “performers”. There were singers, painters, bloggers and virtual marathoners among us. The privilege secured us from the worry of losing our jobs. We learnt to appreciate every moment, live consciously and use our spare time. We chanced upon an opportunity to pause and re-examine our blueprint of happiness.

Here are a few lessons I am taking into my new normal.

1.  Courage to operate from a point of empathy within my circle of influence. My part-time help lost all her jobs during the lockdown. I made a few small adjustments to help her tide through job loss and inflation.

2.   Remain focussed on the tasks at hand. Often in our day to day living we lose track and meander aimlessly. The last two years taught me to divide my day. In each segment, I try to stay focussed. It helps me complete more and provides a good blend to keep boredom away. And when you are not jaded by something, you are more productive.

3.  Make a difference to a person or cause – at least at comfortably paced intervals! This reminds me of a story about the starfishes and a little boy on the seashore. Sure he would not be able to save all the starfishes by putting them back into the sea. But, he made a difference to the ones he did.2

4. Utililise my potential. Over the years, circumstances and largely for my own lethargy, I have neglected my talents. Overlooked possibilities and shelved many dreams. Regularising my “blog” is an attempt to restore some of them. 

5.  To be a minimalist3 as much as possible. I am generally cautious but the lockdowns brought a different dimension altogether. Rationing was imperative not only for scarcity but for safety. Going out even for essentials had to be curtailed when online shopping was not an option. Apart from clothes, I found my cupboard full of toiletries that I collected from our holidays. I decided to use up everything before buying next. The decision was immensely gratifying.

Are these shifts sustainable? Once the masks and sanitisers make an exit, will conscious living last? Will the next "new normal" be better than the one we have left behind? The answer is more complicated than we think, needing an alteration of our outlook and conduct.

I am willing to try, will you come with me?

Images are sourced from Google and are subject to copyright.